I have not written in quite sometime mainly because I have been filled with a sadness that seemed beyond words. I am losing faith not in Jesus Christ but in his Church. It would seem that a pastor and congregation would just turn out to be one more father, one more family I could not please.
The idea of Church seemed simple enough . A place where like-minded individuals believing in Christ could meet to worship and support one another through life and forgive each other trespasses . Sounds heavenly doesn’t it
Only thing is if such a place exists I have not found it. I see glimpses of it now and then in certain people who are trying to make it grow. But all too soon the light fades as those people leave looking for God’s love in other places. Having not found enough of it in the hallow halls that bare his name.
I have seen Pastor’s that are gifted speakers who preach wonderful sermons asking its congregation to reach out and invite new people into the fold when they themselves are distance and unreachable .
I think the one thing that shocks me the most about the whole church thing is how mad other christians get when I fail to live up to the expectations they have of me. If I stumble and let my mask slip showing my human frailty in the moment there is a price to be paid for being that transparent.
Even in writing this blog I met a fellow christian who did not like my poems because to her it sounded like I was complaining ( or I was dying as she put it) and we should never complain to God we should only speak positive and thankful sentiments toward the Lord and smile and tell our brothers and sister’s in Christ it’s all good. I don’t know if I could ever be that fake on a long-term basis.
I have learned not to talk about my Chronic illness as it makes people uncomfortable. Even fellow Christian think I am, once again complaining if I talk about my illness . When all I am really doing is trying to share something I find overwhelming and scary.
I have a more open relationship with my Savior and he is aware of how I am feeling so it’s not like I am shocking God by putting the things I am feeling into my poems. I have given up thinking I could ever make a difference in this world.
It ‘s ironic that when I was a young I always wanted to be somebody only to find it’s much easier to be the world’s “Somebody” than to be the Lord’s “Nobody”. To be truly humble and full of Gods love, compassion, mercy and grace but I am still trying.